Hand-Pressing Health Torch

This mother-of-all-language-infractions was brought to our attention by Nick. You really must examine the photo (click to enjoy a higher resolution version) and once you've swept the tears of Vulture joy from your eyes, be sure to check out Nick's entertaining digest!




Although the Hand-Pressing Flash Light was made with “high and new science” the package copy was clearly written while high. Where to begin? The name of the product is all wrong, making the object the actor and imbuing it with political campaigning skills. I’ll let the claim of being without a bulb – or stridently anti-bulb – off on a technicality (fine, they’re diodes). These are minor quibbles, “charcteristics” of sloppiness and nothing more. It’s in the product description where we witness the Engrish equivalent of a foggy day on the Autobahn. Buckle up.

Despite the near-black arts that were employed in its development, the thing won’t light up unless you dance, dammit, dance! Or place it inside the dancing, I suppose. Once this bulb-less wonder is up and running you can count on it not only operating quietly (unlike all those other, noisy flashlights!) but also being low in health. It is, however, high in charisma. And, please, don’t call it a common “torch.” Sure, they can “be” just like anything else. But can they do it several times? On lift?? I didn’t think so.

Finally, please direct your attention to the third and probably most important point. I think we’ve already established that this is no ordinary flashlight. In fact, it’s so extraordinary that it’s not even a “flashlight” – it’s a FLASH LIGHT. Isn’t that enough for you? You demand more from your hand-pressing devices? I’ve got two words for you: health torch. This thing will not only press your palm but it will stretch that puppy too. And your arm. Screw it – it’ll even stretch your shoulder. FLASH LIGHT will crawl inside your f*cking veins, dude. Then, even though your arm is all Plastic Man, you’ll go numb and your mind will open up and you’ll totally understand the universe. Break down the doors of perception, man! Wait, now this packaging makes perfect sense…